BROKENNESS

These past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. The Adventures in Mission team told my squad members and me that throughout this trip we would be going through the stages of abandonment, brokenness, dependency, and then joy through our dependency on the Lord. Well, these last couple of weeks I have been going through major brokenness.

After about two weeks on the field I realized that I really don’t like Central America and I also am not a huge fan of our ministry here. About Central America, well, the people here are so nice and our ministry contact is amazing, but I personally have never loved the culture. I tried to have no expectations for this trip, but I subconsciously expected that I would always love the ministry and the places that I would be because I was so on fire for where the Lord was taking me. Two weeks ago I came to my squad leader, Brittany Priess, and opened up with her about how I do not enjoy the culture here and that I thought the Lord did not want me here any longer. I considered leaving and going on another trip, one that was not in Central America. Brittany was amazing and listened intently through my sobs and after I had finished explaining she asked me if I felt as though maybe I had reached brokenness. After thinking back to what I had learned about brokenness at training camp I realized I had. I know longer felt guilty for my feelings. I realized that they are normal and part of the experience of this trip.

I have realized that this trip is not about me, but about how I can serve the Lord. My expectation for these nine months was that it would all be amazing and joyous because I was doing what the Lord asked me too, but this trip is so much more than that. I have learned that just being here and going through the motions is not enough. I have to consciously, each day give the day to the Lord and depend on Him to get me through the difficult times. Brittany showed me this verse in 1 Peter…

“So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God,  keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to Christ who created you, for He will never fail you.”-1 Peter 4:19

In these past weeks I have reached brokenness more times than one. I not only hit brokenness about not having my expectations met with this trip, but also within myself. In my life back home I had so much hidden and so many different facades. After being here and having no place to hide at all everything about who you are is exposed to the people around you and also to yourself. There is nothing one can do except face the things that you have been running from. One night, after team time the girls on my team and I went for a walk and they asked me some questions about my life back at home. Through their questioning I realized the “sin” that I thought I would battle my whole life was wrong. There was something deeper, rooted into that sin that I had never considered before. I hit brokenness again that night and the next day because I was so confused and lost as to who I am. I had always thought of myself as one way and hidden what was actually the problem I needed to face.

After more alone time with the Lord and time spent with the community here I realized that the root of many of my sinful desires is people pleasing and judging myself solely on how I view others to judge me. This has tormented me my whole life and has given me horrible self-esteem. Due to my terrible self-esteem I have constantly created different personalities and masks to hide who I really am. I wanted to hide who I really am and put up a façade to all the people around me. Through this desire I became extremely controlling of myself and how I was viewed. I had not even realized that this was such a problem in my life until a few days ago. I am currently going through so much brokenness because I am having to break down each façade and expose the world to who the real Ellen Hudson is. What is almost the hardest thing is surrendering my control to the Lord and blatantly trusting Him with who I am. It seems simple because of course Abba, my Father in Heaven, has the most beautiful and amazing plan for who I am in Him, but I am still struggling with trusting Him. Through this brokenness the Lord is showing me how I need to grow my faith and my dependency. I have to have a greater faith to trust the unseen and know that it will be so much greater than I could ever imagine with God as my guide.

This past week I did a makeup fast. For everyone who knows me you know that I am always wearing makeup. It is a way that I can hide so much of myself and a way that I can control how others around me perceive me. Well, this past week I knew that the Lord was calling me to fast because I kept coming across it in my Bible readings and also in conversations. Through prayer the Lord showed me that I needed to fast makeup. At first I wasn’t sure for how long, but I just knew that it had to be done. The first few days were okay because the years of wearing mascara constantly meant that it was very hard for it to come off, but once my face was left bare of no makeup each day was a constant battle. I was self-conscious all the time and could feel my loss of control. To get through the day I would have to just remind myself that the only one who truly matters, my God, created me this way in His beautiful image.

Well, I was able to complete the fast and through it I was able to become more dependent on the Lord. I haven’t ever learned so much about myself as I did during the week of my fast. I was also able to grow with my community here through my struggles and through my vulnerability. Christy a beautiful woman of God and a member of my team made me a card and included these bible verses in it…

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men I would not be a servant of Christ.” –Galatians 1:10

“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful. I know that full well.” –Psalm 139: 13-14

Thank you so much for reading and I apologize for the length. I pray that the Lord can use my brokenness not only to continue to grow me, but to grow you as well. In my next blog I hope to tell you more about what the daily routine is here in Nicaragua. God bless you and please comment and subscribe!

“But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” –Matthew 6:33-34